Archive for February, 2015


The tax return came in, Yay! Well, sort of yay. Because it immediately turned into just another payment towards my student loans. What else am I going to do with it? I have a horse, a car, a house. The credit cards are paid off and all of the other bills are up to date, so really, aside from the crushing mountain of student debt, what else do I have that I *should* spend money on? There are lots of things that I *could* spend money on. Another horse springs to mind, but with the potential second deployment in 2016 that I haven’t told anyone about yet (shh!) I’m not thinking that taking on another living creature at this time is a good plan. I may not deploy, but if I don’t, it’s because I’ll be in a residency. And that really will be no better in terms of having time to do anything and care for living creatures.

So, if not another horse, then what? A car? No, just finally getting the first one paid off and don’t really need another, thank you. Books, movies, doodads? I buy those when I want them anyway (see aforementioned credit cards). I finally even got the guest room furnished. No point in putting it towards the house itself since my interest rate there is lower than the student loans. And putting it in savings is a joke since there is zero return on investment there (okay, not really zero, but maybe 0.05% or something like that). So, I look at this money and really, the only place to put it that makes any sort of rational sense is my student loan bill. So I did. And now it’s gone. And it feels like even though it was a good chunk of change in my world, it was simply a drop in the bucket and made little impact on my loan numbers. And that makes me sad, and defeated, and angry.

I took full advantage of the Savings Deposit Program while I was deployed. It’s where you can put $10k in an Army “savings account” while you’re over here and they’ll give you 10% APR, which is way better than any other ROI ever. So I haven’t “seen” any of my deployment money and will get it all as a lump sum plus interest 90 days after I get home. And that will go to my student loans too. More than $10k will be gone to my student loans. Just like that. Just like this almost $4k. And it will all still seem like a pointless waste. But I can’t think of anything that would be subjectively and/or objectively better. At least this way, in my cold, logical brain I will know that I am that much closer from crawling out from under the boots of Navient (Sallie Mae) and ACS. But it is depressing. Every. Single. Time. ┬áThere is no sense of gain or accomplishment. All there is, is the little flame of resentment burning towards the fucked up system we have that sets students up to fail economically. And the more payments I make, the brighter it burns. And that is even despite the fact that by most measures, I am one of the few that at this point in their career can stack up as ‘succeeding’ financially.

I hate watching my earnings disappear to the giant banks. It feels like flushing them down the drain to make the rich even richer, even if on paper it’s not entirely without benefit to me. It certainly doesn’t feel like it benefits me.


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Two thoughts:

1. C’mon tax return! I wish I could have my bank account ping my phone when the money comes in rather than checking it obsessively. Should arrive sometime between now and the first if all goes well.

2. Pregnant/Mom friends: I admire you. I also don’t *get* pregnancy or the desire to have children. And rather than that being defective female programming like society would have me believe, I think it’s okay that I don’t want to be you. I can still be happy for you that you are achieving some big ass life goals. Just please don’t be offended by my somewhat baffled look or lack of gushy baby comments. The only babies I like have four legs. I like the human kind once they can walk and talk and get into trouble. And I post his here rather than publicly on FB because I don’t know that all of you would be okay with me saying this. New moms are a somewhat sleep-deprived and unpredictable lot compared to their pre-baby selves IME. And that is okay too, but me setting off rounds of rage or crying doesn’t help our relationship, so I’d rather avoid it.

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Good gods it only took nearly 9 months, but I FINALLY figured out my password again. More to follow.

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