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Archive for April, 2011

Unfortunately for me, not the super awesome fun theme park kind.

Just the run of the mill, woe is me, life change sorta one. The kind where huge changes are going to be taking place and all of the sudden you realize, wait, what the fuck? For reals? And then start to get all shaky and worried. I have been working towards this whole DVM thing since approximately second grade, give or take the few years I suffered under the delusion that I might be at all interested in the field of human medicine (emergency and critical care for the curious).  And now, in just a couple weeks, I’ll be there.

The fuck?

Then what? I mean, I’ve had the same life goal for a couple of decades and now all of the sudden, it will be accomplished. What on this earth is a person supposed to do with that? Just go and BE a veterinarian? I dunno. It’s not that I feel unprepared for my chosen career at all, it’s that I don’t know how to be a person now. I’ve always had a driving goal, an end I was working towards, a direction. Now I feel adrift, helpless and worried. I don’t know how to do anything other than strive and push forward to get what I want, but now that it’s in reach, I don’t know what to do next.

I really want to go to a retreat. I think a few weeks of meditation would do me a world of good, but there’s no time for that. I have to go and start this whole career thing up. I worry that I’m going to cling to the next thing that comes along, just so that I have a new goal, a new distant star to follow, because I find this rudderless, drifting feeling very unsettling. It’s new and unknown and I don’t like it.

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Also known as the Buffy Musical.

I kinda want the world to fuck off and die, to quote a friend, as I sit here stealing my neighbor’s wi-fi. The cable company had the gall to call me for a customer satisfaction survey today, despite the very unsatified nature of our untimely separation. Generally something that moves me to the point of trembling with rage does not incline me towards giving them high scores. But that’s not it.

I don’t know what ‘it’ is though.

Maybe there’s a dark cloud, maybe I’m just not looking on the bright side, maybe I am internalizing some slight that I have not consciously dealt with, though the fact that I can think of a couple things that pissed me off greatly makes me feel as though this may be less likely since there is conscious anger-dealing-with going on at the moment. Maybe it’s hormonal. I have been stuffing my face in a meaningless and ineffective attempt to make myself feel better. It hasn’t worked.

The Buffy Musical made me a little happier. Well, not actually happier. But it provided passing distraction and amusement and drowned out the fucking rain that’s been going on for the past 24 hours. I even packed up some stuff in an attempt to cheer myself with the thought that I will be leaving this fucked up indentured servitude of mixed signals insane expectations soon, and it didn’t do much. I LOVE the Buffy Musical though, and it should make me happier. Especially the Spike parts. And the Giles parts. Because men with nice voices make me weak in the knees.

Now I am just making my favorite numbers play over and over again.

Whisper in a dead man’s ear, it doesn’t make it real

Since I’m only dead to you, I’m saying stay away, and let me rest in peace

You just love to play the thought that you might misbehave, but til you do, I’m telling you, stop visiting my grave

I touch the fire and it freezes me, I look into it and it’s black. Why can’t I feel? My skin should crack and peel

Turns out there’s a CD. I kinda want it, in a vague way.

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